Friday, November 11, 2005

Jeffry McWild - the definitive review


Jeffry McWild - 100/10



McWild is, without a shadow of doubt, what we would all choose as our surname if we were given the choice. It says two things -

1. I am of Scottish descent.
2. I am FUCKING AMAZING in bed.

Many people would probably argue that they're one and the same thing. But those people wouldn't be able to be Scottish, black AND be able to fight sharks. Like this picture. I mean, LOOK AT HIM! I've got an erection and I'm not even gay. His stats -

Country: Australia
Birthday: 1957.02.20
Sex: Male
Blood Type: A
Hobby: Reggae Music
Stature: 183 cm
B/W/H: 121/93/97
Weight: 111 kg
Occupation: Fisherman
Fighting Style: Pancratium

It gets better. He's only fighting in the tournament to get enough money together so that he can finish building his boat. Once it's finished, he's going to sail the seas looking for the shark that killed his friend! Obviously not the shark in the picture above. That shark is long dead.

His hobby is reggae music. I've met him and when I asked him what his favourite reggae music was he said "anything but Ziggy Marley". Which is fair enough.

Jeffry McWild - 100/10

Why War Games are ace

1!

They're exciting.

2!

They've got guns in them.

3!

They help me understand man's inhumanity to man and goes some way to helping us all comprehend the magnificent sacrifice of so many who fell in combat, which included guns and was almost certainly exciting for all involved.

4!

They contain no wizards, goblins, elves, dragons, beastmen or fantasy creatures of any kind.

5!

They often have immaculately researched and detailed depictions of Nazi regalia.


Did I observe the minute of silence today?

Did I fuck. I was playing WAR and engaging with history at a level Suki could only dream about when he's wanking off over sketches of imaginary goblin/elf female hybrids that he draws in biro on the bizarre inflatable subsitutes for female genitalia that he fucks like a howling, rabid wolf every single fucking night.

I love u suki babes!

xox

Boss Nonnu

Heavy Man Killer 2 - The Vendetta Revenge

Heavy Man Killer 2 - The Vendetta Revenge

Review score - internet/10

Heavy Man Killer is a man on a mission. One mission - to kill other men. In the first game we saw him killing many different men, and now in the sequel we can see a return of men to the plot. To be killed. Heavy Man Killer will kill them. With his big guns. His brother has been kidnapped or something.

The game has 12 levels, which is a lot but maybe not enough. Lastability? I was worried until I saw how many unlockables are in it! Lots, that's how many. Seriously, you will be able to see what their development studio looks like and everything. And some sketches of what the character looked like in the planning phase - like a man who can kill people. The pictures of the guns are really big too, and offer excellent value for money.

Talking about the guns, there are 18 different guns. Some of them are really original, like a sniper rifle with the twist that you have to hold your breath, but some of them are not that original, like a sniper rifle. Some people will probably think that 18 is not enough guns, but I say go play Quake if you want more. Balance is more important than graphics.

Talking about the graphics, this game has really good scrolling effects. Not once did the framerate drop, even though I had a gig of memory and my dad's 3D graphics card installed. I had to turn off bloom and some textures, but that's fine because you probably don't have a powerful machine so it makes this review more accurate.

Overall, the multiplayer aspects are not finished, so I can't review that part yet. In the final code it is probably really sweet because I really liked the guns and the grenades.

I would recommend this game to anyone who is thinking of buying it.

Suki.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

What is it good for?

War games. I don't get it. Who, in their right mind, enjoys spending time in a war? The mechanics of shoosting games are brilliant, obviously. One of the things that's great about them is that you don't die when somebody shoots you. I suspect that's a major part of why people choose to play war videogames over actually going to war.

But why do people even want to explore the theme of going to war? There's soooo many other themes we could use games to explore. Sex with Korean triplets is one that springs to mind. And Transformers, we're not done with them. Surely 600 war games is enough? Surely we've had enough real blood? I know I have. I want my games to be beautiful. I want the view to be better than it is in real life, not the same. Not brown and beige and brown.

That doesn't mean swords and sorcery, World of Warcraft, elves and gnomes and pixies (though gnomes and World of Warcraft are obviously A-OK with me). But, you know, something pretty. Something nice. Something I can't get by travelling to some middle-eastern desert where people actually want to shoot me.

I know, let's make Carribean Relaxer. The game involves you taking a tourist to an island and chilling out on the beach. You can dress him or her up, and the idea is to get along with the locals. If you make enough friends, they invite you to stay on the island and open a rubbish restaurant that serves English food. Nobody dies, there's no war, and there's at least 800 different hats to find.

Suki's Review of War Games -

I give them rubbish/10

Suki.

I learnt a new word today!

Otsukaresamadeshita!

You can fuck off if you think I'm going to tell you what it means, though.

xox

Boss Nonnu

OMFG Call of duty 2

So, whilst Suki was busy fucking about with 'townscape imagineering' and 'army fertilising' and 'research trees', wasting hours on staring at miniscule isometric represntations of the most boring things ever, I was busy assaulting a farmhouse and defending it from a nazi counter-attack in the OMFG AMZING Call Of Duty 2.

First off, the game is completely real, to the point where actual wounds appeared on my skin whenever I got shot. Yeah, I do mean proper, genuine videogaming stigmata, but hey... that's the price I pay for being so amazing at getting into games. Obviously, the amount I bleed is entirely relative to how good the game is and as the local casualty department will attest, I BLED A HELL OF A LOT. Thank god the game is relatively short, but high on action. There's so much wicked running, shooting, blowing stuff up and shouting that it's definitely "brillianter than old version".

In short, COD2 = OMFG AMAZING. I give it 5 pints of type 0 negative out of 5.

FACTS:

Type: FPS, WW2
Killing: Lots
Running: Lots
Picking things up: Only WICKED GUNS
Crates: Some
Barrels: quite a few
Explosions: Loads and they look really good
Intrusively sentimental background music: far too much
Shouting: Lots
Nazi death: Shitloads
Obligatory tank-driving sections: a couple. Yes, they are a bit shit.
Best bit: Jumping around and meleeing comrades during forced in-game conversations.
Worst bit: Being able to withstand 6 hits from an MG42 by simply running away and waiting for a bit, like you could do in Saboteur.

This fine for Saboteur, as he (and she if you played Saboteur 2 and wanked off over the loading screen like we all did) is a fucking ninja and therefore has amazing healing powers.

The average soldier in WW2 did not have that ability and instead had to rely on magical health packs distributed throughout the conflict areas by Jesus.

BONUS REVIEW!

LION RAFALE by Boss Nonnu

Cheap, scrubby, interupt-friendly fucking cunt. 0/10.

I currently have a lawsuit pending against Yu Suzuki for the inclusion of Lion in VF2. I'm not after money, I just want a total recall of all VF games ever so that the roms and disks can have the Lion data destroyed, much like I did with my copy of Tekken 3 to get rid of that freak abomination Gon. GREAT GRAPHIC NOVEL, SHIT FIGHTING GAME CHARACTER.

Lion doesn't even have a great graphic novel.

FUCK OFF.

xox

Boss Nonnu

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Civ 4

Tonight, I played my first multiplayer Civ 4 and it was nothing short of brilliant.

What the reviews haven't told me so far, and what is the most important thing about multiplayer Civ 4, is that when you team up with your best friend in Glasgow against four individual AI you actually feel like you're two small civilisations taking on the world. Which I don't think I've felt before.

The map sharing is ace, as is the resource sharing, but you clearly need a headset to talk with your friends while you play. Or, as we made do with tonight, your phone set to loudspeaker and a shit load of free minutes. The chat system is functional, but it's not going to win any awards.

I'm still not sold on the graphics. I think they communicate information far less effectively than their predecessors, but it hardly matters. There's plenty of time to pore over what's happening.

Other than that, I can't really fault it. I still don't fully understand religion, or how the unhappiness works, but my cities seem to function ok. I'll nut that later and blog about it then.

Suffice to say, this is still the greatest turn-based strategy game of all time (I haven't played Total War, but I have my God and I'm not changing religions this late in life). Although absolutely nobody other than Boss Nonnu is reading this, you absolutely MUST play this game with like-minded friends at the earliest possible opportunity. You being whoever we tell about this blog when we figure out how to write nice words. Which might be never.

Suki.

My First Review

Well, Boss Nonnu did one, so I better. I believe the correct form is to post once every hour for the first three days and then never post again. I look forward to following the standard procedure. Oh, and I think it appropriate to list the score before the text. I mean, who the fuck doesn't skip straight to the score anyway? Oh, and out of ten is the best scoring system so I'll also be using that. Boss Nonnu can do whatever he wants.

Lion Rafale - 1 million/10

First, the facts:

Name: Lion Rafale
Country:France
Birthday: 1979.12.24
Sex:Male
Blood Type: AB
Hobby:Collecting Knives
Stature: 174 cm
B/W/H: 90/85/88
Weight: 63 kg
Job: High School Student
Fighting Style:Tourou-Ken

These kinds of things are VERY important when choosing your fighting game character. I won't even look at renders of their faces unless I know their blood type and hobby. Fortunately, I'm well stocked on Lion info (or at least, Google is). Lion is the best because...

Lion was born on Christmas Eve. I didn't know that before. From now, every time I pound Boss Nonnu's face into the ground with Lion I'm gonna shout "MERRY CHRISTMAS" in his face. Hang on! He has the same birthday as Jesus, almost. I'm not sure what that means. He's the other son of God? I can believe it.

He's French but he speaks with an American accent (psychological tactic, though I'm not sure which one is more annoying) and he's obviously pretending to be gay. That's because everyone knows that gay guys get the bitches. I mean girls. Unless you're a gangsta rapper, in which case I mean Hershey tunnels. Which I don't really understand.

The main reason he's the best, though, is because Chibita uses him. Chibita is the most feared Virtua Fighter player in Japan. That's partly because nobody can tell if he's straight or not (he gets the bitches, I mean girls, but we just don't know if he does anything with them) and partly because he's just SO DAMN GOOD. He talks with his friends, smoking and drinking, sitting at the machine side-saddle, tearing apart Tokyo's finest. And he has RUBBISH hair. But I love him. Therefore, I love Lion. Some say Lion has been made more camp with each version of Virtua Fighter to make him more like Chibita is in real life. I can only pray that's true.

And finally, his winning pose and taunts -
"Why am I so great?"
"I don't make allowances for old men."

Holy shit, I have an erection just thinking about him.

Suki.

Press Start.

No sorry, that's a fucking rubbish way to start a videogaming blog. Sorry. Sorry.

VIRTUA FIGHTER FOREVER!

That's how you fucking do it, right? DAMN STRAIGHT.

Ideally, I'll be stealing ideas from Suki and doing a review in EVERY SINGLE POST. I shall not be using the word "cogent", though. Suki uses "cogent". It makes me cry.

Tekken 5 review:

Tekken 5 is quite good, but nowhere near as good as any Virtua Fighter, even 3TB on the DC which isn't shit at all, but in fact TOO AMAZING for mortal minds to comprehend. Thank fuck for AM2 and god bless SEGA.

Tekken 5 ratings:
Graphics: 8
Sound: 8
Controls: 8
Addictabillityness: 8
Virtua fighterness: 0

Overall 0/10.

"Tekken 5 is a brilliant fighting game if you don't understand Virtua Fighter 4 evolution. If you did, you wouldn't even try to compare the two as you'd be a fucking dick for doing so."

PUT THAT ON THE FUCKING BOX, NAMCOT!

(this review is actually a lie as I played Tekken for years with my mate, The Dazzler. He was ace at it and always beat me, but VF4evo is SO FUCKING ACE that it makes everything else look like hideous rubbish)

xox

Boss Nonnu

The beginning

This is intended to be the definitive videogames review space on the internet. Our aim is simple - to rival IGN's userbase in six months and sell the content for £600k. We will do that by offering reviews of the following quality -

Dead or Alive - shit/10

Watch this space for more decisive reviews, incorrect gramar and spelling; and general profanity.

Suki.