Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Disgaea on PSP

Ok, so it's just the first one, but with enough new dungeons to make your head explode! That's what I'd say if I wrote for Your Sinclair, but I don't, because that's what I'd write.

Anyway, everyone's getting it because I say so. This is the game you've been waiting for. Not another fucking version of PS2 Racer X or some bullshit 3rd person action game that makes you hate the analogue nub. Now you can power level everywhere. On the train, on the bus, on the toilet. Even the most mundane action becomes an opportunity to find a Legendary Yoshitsune. Divebombing 100-level dungeons is fine because you've got sleep mode and it doesn't matter that you've seen the main plot before because the main story boards are only about 10 per cent of the game anyway. The other 90 per cent is raping Cave of Ordeal 4 over and over LOL

I doubt any of you will get that joke.

Anyway, like I said - you need this game. It's like Disgaea on drugs! Though probably over the counter drugs that are really just vitamins.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

EXCLUSIVE: Tetsuya Mizuguchi news

Click HERE to read this story. Whilst you're waiting, why not look at everything else on our blog, even though this message should really be the story you wanted in the first place.

ANYHOW,

NNN is still the best 360 title ever. If you disagree, you're still very wrong. If you can't get to the final stage with Inphyy, you're fucking SHIT and everyone is laughing at you.

If you don't understand that the key to excellent joy is to work out how the combos can be combined to best manage the crowd, you're an idiot. You should really be dead, as technically you don't have a brain or something.

Maybe you're just really snobbish about games. I don't give a fuck. If you diss NNN, you're either insane or have absolutely no idea what you're talking about, so fucking shut your fucking mouth and fucking fuck the fuck up.

If you haven't unlocked Dwingvatt or the 12 year-old, don't even attempt to have even the most shallow opinion of the game. Your opinion will be completely, totally, utterly wrong unless your opinion is:

"OMFG it's so amazing I've shit myself and fucking love that I've shit myself over how amazing this game is".

Still here? Fine. Take this on for size:

My girlfriend, who is a girl, is brilliant at NNN. She unlocked Dwingvatt.

How does that make you feel?

Inadequate, impotent and causing a sudden re-evaluation of your understanding of videogames, I hope.

Tonight, I will be cruising around on a giant key and bombarding colossal armies of cunts with a fucking huge tidal wave. It really doesn't get any better than that.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

N N N N N N N N Nnnnnnnnn

As I suspected, Ninety Nine Nights is a test in how hardcore you are.

Amazing features like ongoing specials being cut short by triggered cutscenes and the incredible lack of accessible health, along with the vast distances the player has to traverse if they want to regain a shred of life during a nasty and protracted boss fight are not 'bugs' or 'balance issues'.

They're all tests.

Tests of how little you give a fuck about the pampered niceties of modern gaming and how much you really, really, really want to get on with the killing.

Same goes for the tortuously long levels, BEREFT of any saving or checkpoint opportunities. Hardcore.

If you can't take it, or think Ninety Nine Nights is shit, then you're FUCKING PATHETIC and WEAK and DON'T DESERVE TO PLAY GAMES. FFS!

Don't try to argue until you've mastered the correct use of y,y,y,x,x,y.

Instant score:

10/10

Friday, August 25, 2006

Sega promo literature distress!

Fucking IDIOTS.

In the Sega Retail Preview brochure that came with this week's MVC, the FIRST paragraph in the VF5 DPS refers to it as 'Virtua Fighter 3'.

This is a fucking disgrace.

Even more infuriating is the assertion that VF5 has 'button bashing fun'.

FUCK'S SAKE!

I'm fucking burning Sega. It's over.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Secret Tips Exclusive!

In Tekken 3, if you can get through arcade mode and beat the boss in under 5 minutes, you get to fight a super Kazuya and if you beat him, you get to fight Heihachi's Mum and Dad. They have dying sex if they lose and that's how Jin was really born. Heihachi watches.

In VF4 Evo, if you get three DLC wall juggles in a row during a red chest prize match, you get rewarded with a ghetto blaster for Akira and he breakdances, raps and flings his own faeces at the camera in his victory anim.

In Shenmue 2, if you have the seaman microphone plugged in, the fit bird on the motorbike shows her tits if you ask to see them in Japanese. If you do this three times in a row, Ryu turns gay and refuses to play Space Harrier.

In MGS3, if you plug a PS1 controller into port two, the game re-loads to look like it’s running on a PS1. If you then put in a PS1 memory card, you can play MGS3 with all the weapons from MGS1 except with infinite ammo and Snake has hair that’s three metres long, with incredible physics and he has 20 porn mags in his inventory that are all readable and have real naked women in them.

In Battlefield 2, if you type “home james!” into the server address box, you log into the EA mainframe and you can download every game they’ve ever made for free. The password is PASSWORD with a D.

In Sonic Adventure 2, if you make Sonic run in alternating circles for 15 minutes, he gets an erection and rapes Tails in an extended cutscene that goes on for three hours, featuring scenes of extreme degradation, greivous bodily harm and the use of excreted fluids in a startlingly imaginitive manner.

In Rez on the Dreamcast, if you press Start 30 times in the options menu, the soundtrack changes to Falco and he appears as the boss on each level. You have to make his car crash in order to kill him.

In PGR3, if you reverse around all the Tokyo tracks in an Enzo, you unlock a BMX and Andy Crane.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Why I fucking love Ninety Nine Nights

Because it's hardcore.

I love it for exactly the same reason I love Dynasty Warriors. It's hugely flawed, fucks the player over and makes life difficult, but who wants to be treated like a fucking pussy when you're so fucking badass with a spear?

Look, you can mash up literally thousands of bastards in the space of five minutes. That kind of ego-wanking doesn't come cheap. Ninety Nine Nights makes you pay with intrusive cutscenes, a ropey manual camera and frame rate drops, but that's the kind of shit I fucking love.

It makes me feel like I earnt the joy it gives me.

As for those frame rate issues, LOOK AT ALL THE FUCKING BASTARDS.

Bless Ninety Nine Nights. I hope Dynasty Warriors 360 steals all your good stuff.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Ray Hound!

http://www18.big.or.jp/~hikoza/Prod/

This is Ray Hound. It is mental. It's by Mr Warning Forever, which is a mental post-modern shmup dedicated to the love of boss fights, only under a time limit.

TO PLAY:

Use mouse for everything, I think.

There are bullets. They are obvious. If you can't work out what they are immediately, you're an idiot.

Press mouse button to CAPTURE THE BULLETS!

Hold down the button and move the mouse to guide the captured bullets at the guns that fired them. LOL!

It's very good.

PS: there's a time limit and time is like your lives.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Sniping = sex

Hitman series:
Brilliant sniping. Slight attempt at realism, always good body drops and impact wound simulation. Hitman has never disappointed with its sniper rifles and I've spent countless hours trying to lure everyone within the range of my favourite sniping positions. Once, I copied a friend's stroke of genius and killed everyone on the chinese restaurant / whorehouse level, stripping them all off and then lining them up in the outside bit. With the bodies near-naked and arranged into neat lines, it looked like a proper war-crime. It actually became one when I started emptying all my weapons into the corpses. My friend claimed to have shot the fat bloke off the cliff, but I couldn't be fucked and instead took a load of screengrabs. Which I promptly lost, leaving a gaping hole in my self-generated porn collection.

Battlefield 2:
Rubbish sniping. This is quite upsetting. Despite some quite good aspects, BF2 seems to subscribe to the method of double tap sniping, although this is to ensure a kill rather than making sure the victim's head is properly fucked up. That's fucking rubbish.

I always try to double tap whenever I'm sniping in any game, but these days the prevalence of ragdoll deaths means I often end up creating a row of new orifices on the victim's thigh, none of which I can run down and fuck with rabid delight. Sadly, that kind of interaction isn't implemented in current game engines.

Rainbow 6:
Brilliant sniping. Of course, the sniping in this is fairly shit by today's standards, but it remains a fond favourite for me. I used to populate the maps with unwitting stooges and spend hours sniping them in a methodical manner. This is probably why I'm such a fucking sweet sniper. Rainbow 6 also introduced me to the joys of supressed sniper rifles, as everyone knows suppressed snipes are even cooler than loud, total-pwnage ones with a Barratt.

Delta Force:
Amazing sniping. The wildcard. Delta Force had insanely realistic sniping, with adjustable sights for the simulated fall-off. The squeals of near-sexual delight that I erupted with following the impact of a bullet into a distant enemy's head (from directly above them) were probably the happiest noises I've ever made. You can stuff your fucking Mario 64 cannons up your jacksie. THIS WAS PROPER BALLISTICS.

Operation Flashpoint:
Brilliant sniping. OpFlash was a SICK game, both in terms of graphics tech, sheer scope and perceived realism. Needless to say, the sniping in this was brilliant. Once, I crawled on my belly for about two hours (at the fastest accelerated time setting) in order to shoot an officer. Why? I'd fallen down a steep slope and broken both of my legs. REALISM x 1000!

I still remember the rapture I felt when hiding on a rainy hillside, triggering some road-based booby traps to blow up a convoy and then sniping down all the FOOLS that thought investigating the burning wrecks was a good idea. Despite my superior tactics, I ended up falling down a slope and breaking both my legs again, but that didn't taint the memory and I still freely masturbate over it on a regular basis.

Hidden And Dangerous 2:
Ultimate Sniping. The sniping in this was fucking brilliant, but that was mostly due to the whole game being fucking brilliant. That's all I can say, really, as I can't actually remember any specific incidents, just that the whole game was unbridled war-joy, albeit with some astonishing shit bugs. There was that time I sniped about 20 soldiers from behind a door, but I can't remember how it turned out because I was enjoying it too much.

Ghost Recon:
Brilliant sniping. This is mostly due to it so closely related to Rainbow 6. In the very first Rainbow 6, I loved nothing more than filling that chemical weapons lab level with goons and sniping the door so they ran out to headshot after headshot. Grenades were also a brilliant laugh. Ghost Recon was no exception. I fiddled with all the levels to make them sniper hunting grounds, with the Red Square map being the real jewel in the crown. I sniped people to death in every conceivable part of their body in that game, the best being fatal snipings due to successive hand injuries.

Things We Have Learned From Games

Hoho, both Boss Nonnu and myself have just finished reading one of those "what RPGs have taught me" things, which was really funny because it said things like "it's ok to rifle through someone's furniture when I'm in their house."

LOL!

So we decided to do our own one, about games in general. I hope you find it as funny as we did the RPG one - we're still doing a LOL out loud!

Things we have learned from games.

Drugs are really, really good.

LOL is a common greeting in Russia.

Weird people have magic powers like fire, electricity and ice!

Short people are really just children in fancy clothes.

Sony are brilliant but evil, Microsoft are all geeks who've lost weight and are evil and Nintendo are basically Wario, but even more cuntish about gold and princesses and are really, really evil.

There is only one real online gaming news site and they post everything to everybody, who in turn send it to everybody to post so everybody gets a post. Everyone posts.

If you're rich, cash machines have a secret touchscreen menu where you can do stuff like divert money from charities and spray pigeon effluent over people queuing behind you.

Sex is like having sex, but with more sex and less non-sex.

Everyone loves an exclamation mark because of Solide Snake!

World Of Warcraft is a lie because it's not a world but a collection of tiny continents and there's no harrier jump jets or hovercraft, which is fucking rubbish.

There are no sniper rifles in World Of Warcraft and it is a massive scandal in the industry.

MMOs are like virtual reality but much, much, much more shit and cost more money.

Hating major publishers is really cool. Loving tiny publishers is really cool. Making a blog about being angry at the industry is pretty much the best thing anyone could do. If they want to look like something that doesn't have a word because it's too fucking spazzy to describe.

Every straight-edge ends up either dead or on drugs. In fact, 90% of non-specific 'natural' deaths happen under the influence of heroin or its analogs.

RSI is a test. The pain is the reward.

Professional gamesplayers eat old computers to enhance performance. Fatal1ty had his own cunt stapled together by Norton and Mcaffee so the Chinese hackers couldn't download a virus onto it during competition.

Shooting a dead body repeatedly, especially the dead body of your friend, gives you an erection.

If you had infinite money, you would always put 99 credits in a machine every time you played, regardless of how many games you were going to play.

How you dress is the most important thing in the world, and takes precedence over saving the planet or winning an international competitive event of any kind.

The best way to win a race is to reverse into cars that are following you and then call them fags.

Everyone in the world is an American teen, except for you - you're a fucking fag homo queer and you've been fucking OWNED, YOU BITCH, YEAH, HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?

All women are useless bitches who need saving (I didn't learn that from games LOL!!)

It's ok to fuck 12-year-olds if you're Japanese.

If one of your team dies on a mission, it's ok to shoot everyone else in the back of the head with a pistol and then throw yourself on top of a grenade.

If you have loads of child porn on your PC, you can go to jail. If you keep it on DVDs labelled "cuttings archive 2001-2003" nobody will ever find out.

There are loads of children hanging out in places like Habbo Hotel.

If you doctor images of adults to look like children, you can STILL go to jail! Unless you keep them on DVDs with misleading labels.

The best way to deal with girls who repeatedly walk towards you kicking at your shins is to block the kick and PUNCH THEM IN THE FUCKING FACE, YOU BITCH, YOU RUINED MY LIFE.

Mentally handicapped adults will have the emotional reactions of a child when you fuck them but none of the legal consequences.


Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Eight Stars

As I recall, there were eight difficulty levels on the SNES version of Hyper Fighting. And that was tough. I've been so dismayed by people's assertions that the 360 version was impossible that I had a bash on the highest difficulty level last night, which is represented by only seven stars. That made sense to me, since generally I've found it to be much easier than I remember it being on the SNES. And as I expected, I raped it. I had to continue a few times on super-cheap Bison, obviously, since he can throw you from half a screen away and has priority on pretty much everything he does.

So I guess what I'm saying is, if you can't even manage the first round on the easiest difficulty level, you are utter cock at games and I've basically just shat in your mouth.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

I'm deeply ashamed

Recently, I've been playing - and enjoying - Tekken on the PSP. I'm really sorry about that, but it's ok! Because on the PSP it's not really Tekken anymore. It's not about the fighting system, which is basically total garbage for anyone who can remotely play fighting games. It's about the combos! And let's face it - Tekken does good combos.

When people say they enjoy playing Tekken, what they mean is they enjoy doing combos. They enjoy doing huge floating moves and then doing another combo on the way down. They like the big explosions and the sound effects and the pretty graphics. They enjoy the feeling of destroying two thirds of a bar of energy with only a minimal amount of understanding of where their fingers are and what they're doing. And that's fine. That's why it works so well on the PS2 - because you play it at home by yourself. That's why I gave Tekken on the PSP a shot. On the PSP it's a puzzle game. You can mess around with combos, try out a brazillion characters and unlock stuff. I even enjoyed unlocking Tekken Bowl! Which just goes to show - you can be one of the most technically-proficient development teams in the world, but you can still fuck up minigames.

I did get bored, though. Obviously. I mean - there's just too many characters! And each one has combos that are huge chains! Meaning to form any sort of defensive game (I say game) you need to memorise a lot of sequential shit. And learning that kind of shit, my chums, is BORING. So fuck it off.

Perhaps if the movesets had any sort of underlying logic to them, I might have been able to learn about the system in general, and have a vague idea of how the AI liked to fight. Then I might have been able to put together a battle plan of some sorts. But hey, then you wouldn't get the diversity of character that Tekken players crave.

I don't know any Tekken players.

Also - I know your moveset is based on arcade controls but there really is NO FUCKING WAY to press right punch and left kick at the same time on the PSP. And the window for simultaneous button pressing is so narrow that even if I could get my fingers there, the rate of success for pressing those buttons together would be minimal, like when I try to throw or counter. So I have to assign keyboard shortcuts, which I hate. And I can only assign two of them. Surely it's not too much to ask to fiddle with the commands for some of the moves to make some characters even simply feasible on the PSP. I mean, I did read an interview with you, Mr Developer, in which you said you didn't want to make Tekken on the PSP unless you could make a fully-featured, real Tekken, and not some scaled down version. What you meant, though, was that you only wanted to make one if you could make everybody in the world sit up and say "holy SHIT look at the smooth scrolling on those graphics!" You failed. I can't do half of the fucking moves, you fucking cunt, and I'm not fucking bad with a pad. Sure, I prefer a stick, but I can fucking well play Street Fighter 2 on the 360 without crying to my mummy. I can even do the claw position, for index finger and thumb action on the face buttons. But I can't do half the moves in Tekken on the PSP.

But, you know, all of that aside, it's not bad for a few hours. It's a reasonable distraction. The character customisation is good for a bit, though I can't help but think that in Japan, absolutely everyone's Jin looks exactly the same. It's no VF, that's for sure. And there are a shit load of characters in it, so you feel like you've got your money's worth. I think. I obviously didn't pay for it. And it just feels so full to the brim with features! Which is what games should be - full of features.

Oh no, wait, I meant to say I FUCKING HATE THE TEKKEN FIGHTING SYSTEM.

Thank God I didn't have to play it against anyone else.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Dead Rising is not the next GTA

But it's lots of fun.

To be honest, it still could be. It's only that I can't really judge it on the strength of this slightly shit demo. I really wish those fucking cutscenes wouldn't end the demo and I seriously need longer endurance for that Katana.

It's fucking brilliant.

I also would have liked to have seen a slightly more capable player character, as his skillz aren't anywhere near as ill as I've seen on promo vids. This makes me cry, as I had VERY clear visions of being able to pull of a zombie version of Dynasty Warriors, which is kinda hinted at but never materialised for me. I cried and stuffed some arms into zombie mouths.

MORE BLOOD TOO PLEASE.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Feeling weak? Let daddy help.

Can't do the special moves? Complaining about the dpad? WELL BOO-FUCKING HOO. Go home to your mummy and cry you little cry baby mummy runner. The truth is, the AI in the Live Arcade version of Street Fighter II Hyper Fighting is significantly easier to deal with than it was when we played it on the SNES. If you can't get anywhere in single player it's because you're fucking rubbish. I'm not - I'm ace. I can do it all really well. Except for dragons, maybe, but you really don't need them against the computer anyway. It's not like it ever uses pressure wake-up tactics to force you to defend with a high-priority move. Not that you know what that means.

Here's how not to suck.

General tips -
Jumping vertically over fireballs destroys the offensive tactics of most of the fireball characters. They'll probably then jump at you, which is when you shit in their mouth.
If you are hammering the buttons, you are not blocking.
If you sweat a lot, wipe the pad before passing it on.

Playing as Ryu -
You probably consider yourself to be a True Fighting-Games Player. You think nobody understands you. You think that fighting games and martial arts are the same thing, and that your skill in fighting games would translate into real fighting skills if only you'd take up actual martial arts. But you never will, because you wank too much in your bedroom when you think your family can't hear you. But they can. And it gets them off.
Crouching HP is amazing for all jumping opponents bar Vega, but only because you just don't have time. Guile might come off better 50 per cent of the time, but that's it.
Buffered combos are brilliant, but you probably can't do them, because you're fucking rubbish. Settle for crouching HK and then do another when the computer is trying to get up.
Playing against Ryu -
Just jump over his fireballs and then HK into crouching HK. If he's nailing you with dragons then you're not timing the jumps properly, probably because you suck. I don't suck, obviously, because I'm brilliant.

Playing as Ken -
You're a bit like a Ryu player only wankier. You think that the flaming Dragon Punch is amazing, and that Ryu players are boring. You only download ass porn.
Playing as Ken is the same as playing as Ryu.
Playing against Ken -
He's an idiot. He'll start doing loads of fireballs or loads of dragons, and seldom mixes it up. Jump early if he starts a fireball series and nail him on the way in. If he's hitting you with a dragon before you land, even when you hit him, you're kicking too early. That's probably because you're SCARED like a little girl. Get your mummy to beat him.
If he's doing dragons then just hit him on the way down with a meaty HP. Don't wait and try and do a buffered combo - you'll only fuck it up.

Playing as E Honda -
You want to be different. You despise society and grow your hair long, but only on one side. You probably know what the word Emo means. Your mum has caught you wanking but it turned you on, and mashing on the pad for the Hundred Hand Slap is the closest you can get to recreating that feeling.
LP headbutt rules supreme. It's easy to do on the pad and the start up is practically invincible. Charge through everything. HP headbutt is good too. Always use 100 Hand Slap on them as they get up. Don't bother with anything else. He's rubbish. Some people will tell you about his good range and all that, but really, fuck off. Are you gonna play an agile game of footsie/distance? With that controller? Exactly. Spam the fucking head butt and hand slap.
Playing against E Honda -
Jump back or up a lot and do HK on the way down. Works with most characters.

Playing as Chun Li -
You are a paedophile. You think that telling everyone that you like Chun Li because you can see her knickers somehow masks your true deviancy, but we would never film you looking after our children.
You'll jump around a lot and get nailed. Try to knock people down with sweeps and then do hundred foot kick when they wake up. Never bother with Spinning Bird Kick. Actually, I can't really explain my superior tactics to the likes of you. I win a lot with her but I don't know how to describe it in n00b terms. She has insane air priority but when she's up there she doesn't come down forever.
Playing against Chun Li -
Jump up over her fireballs and then when she jumps in, do HP to nail the silly cow. Or whatever your anti-air is. As she falls back screaming, walk up and do a crouching HK as she tries to get up. Like you would with a real girl, only there's no option to shit in her mouth in any sense other than a metaphorical one.

Playing as Blanka -
When people shit in your mouth, you like it.
Do the spinning thing a lot, and do the electricity when they wake up. His crouching HP is fiercesome and his jump is fast enough to get over most fireballs and nail the HK. Don't spin into Ken or Ryu, though, cos a successful dragon sucks your energy down fast.
Playing against Blanka -
When he walks back, he's going to spin. Jam on LP with most characters to nail him on the way in. Fireball as he backs off for rubbish chip damage that makes you hate yourself for doing it, but really, there's not much better you can do under the circumstances. That's if you can even fireball. I can, because I'm brilliant. Never jump into him and never throw a fireball at him unless he's the entire screen away. As he comes at you he will jump, so just stick out an HP. Crouching HP with Ryu and Ken, obviously. Well, it's obvious to me.

Playing as Zangief -
You are a gay lol.
Jump a SHIT LOAD. Jumping HK is a beast. So is crouching HK. Do the 3xP and 3xK to beat people jumping in IF you're crouching. They'll kick late so it works. It doesn't work if you're standing cos they kick early and you eat their shit. Don't bother even TRYING the piledriver - you'll fuck it up. Jamming on LP is good for lots of things, but none of those things do much damage.
Playing against Zangief -
He is one cheap mother fucker. Shit in his mouth by jumping up or back and doing HK at random points. The moment you land already be pressing up for the next jump. Don't jump into him. If you catch him with an HK on the way down, do a crouching HK or MK to push him back. Just keep him away, cos he'll grab you out of anything cos he's a TOTAL CUNT.
If he takes to the air as well, kick mega early.

Playing as Dhalsim -
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Playing against Dhalsim -
Do hurricanes, air hurricanes, and jump super early for the HK win. If your character doesn't have hurricanes then use other tactics.

Playing as Guile -
You are the cheapest mother fucker in the world. You skank people by mixing up medium sweep with relentless Sonic Booms. You're diagonally charging for both sonic boom and flash kick and no-one can get near you. The recovery on Sonic Boom is non existent, so you do another medium sweep when they're being hit. Everyone hates you. Fuck off.
Playing against Guile -
What a TOTAL cheap cunt. Walking forward and doing Flash Kick. Firing a hundred Sonic Booms at once. Walking up and THROWING YOU when you're trying to play defensively. Beating you in the air unless you're Chun Li, and if you're Chun Li you're fucked anyway. Do a lot of vertical jumping. Never attack him unless you have an invincibility cheat on. If he walks up to you, throw the odd crouching LK to stop him from throwing you. If you're Ryu or Ken, crouching MK into fireball to push him back enough to start the whole sorry process again. Occasionally when jumping back or up you'll get a lucky HK in. That's pretty much it. At higher difficulty levels he'll just walk up and do the Flash Kick on you, BECAUSE HE'S A TOTAL AND UTTER CUNT.

Playing as Balrog -
What, the boxer? Or do you mean the Spanish guy? Oh, look at me, I'm so fucking hardcore I know the original Japanese names so I'll refer to the boxer as M. Bison, cos everyone knows he's supposed to be Mike Tyson really. Now we're all confused.
Are you playing the Japanese version? I DON'T THINK SO. Get your own fucking tips for playing as this guy.
Playing against Balrog -
Hurricane Kicks will beast this guy. If you're another character then do something else that works.

Playing as Vega -
You're probably actually quite good at this game. You can build a solid ground game and don't mind the speed of the jump. You don't need any tips.
Playing against Vega -
Wait for the screen-border jump and then nail crouching HP with Ken or Ryu. Piece of piss. If you're not Ryu or Ken, most standing HPs will work.

Playing as Sagat -
You think you're a dude. You've got fireballs and dragons down pat and you think that becoming Sagat will show that you're more technical. You watch yourself in the mirror when you wank. Though, to be fair, who doesn't? I don't like Sagat players, so again, fuck off.
Playing against Sagat -
He is BORING. Jump over his stupid TI-GER! shots and hammer him with HK into crouching HK. If he goes mental on a rush down, which doesn't happen often, just sit and block until he goes into Tigers and shit in his mouth.

Playing M. Bison -
You're lazy. You know you want to play Street Fighter II against your mates but you don't know any moves. You don't know how to play the game. You've learnt about charge up moves and you think that M. Bison must be the most powerful because he's the boss. Annoyingly, you're right. You can win by spamming the Flaming Torpedo, timing (by accident) to cross up on wake up. Those words don't even mean anything to you. You have almost no honour, being out-cheaped only by Guile players. You hardly ever finish your wanks because you can't really be bothered.
Playing against M. Bison -
Jumping up and back with HK works a surprising amount. Always follow up a successful HK with a crouching HK If he does that head stomping thing rejoice. Block and then hammer him with HP on the way down. If he tries to walk up and throw, which he'll do a lot, you're probably fucked. Watch as he throws you while you're dragoning, which is definitely a real world. If you try to sweep, you'll get that big kick in your face from Dhalsim range. If he does the roll over kick and you're in the corner and he hits you, you die.

In conclusion -
You will notice I recommend that you just jump up and back and hammer HK a lot, and not jump forward. That is not really tactical finesse, but let's face it - you're fucking shit at SF2. I'm not. I'm brilliant. That's why I'm writing the guide and you're touching your willy. Well, I'm touching my willy too, but while I write the guide. That's how good I am.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Saints Row

I ran over lots of people, killed some pimps and stole their prostitutes.

Then I went and bought some drugs.

Shame it's not really that much fun.

To be honest, I only downloaded it in an attempt to plug the gaping hole in my psyche that's been carved by the ferocious anticipation I'm experiencing over the prospect of a Dead Rising demo.

I reckon Dead Rising could be the new GTA - an ambassador to the mainstream of how fun videogames for geeks can be. It's a pity that Saints Row is five years late to the party, really.